Holy U turn: A walk to Emmaus

Holy U turn: A walk to Emmaus
Greetings brothers and sisters! I finally have some time to blog and gets some of my thoughts down on paper. Last weekend I participated in “The walk to Emmaus” which could not have come at a better time! I learned quite a bit in that experience. It is a three day event which starts on Thursday and ends on Sunday. Last Thursday my pastor took me out to dinner to get me ready for the weekend. I had a lot of butterflies going into the weekend seeing as I could not have a cell phone or wrist watch. We were all on “God’s time” which was really quite relaxing.

Thursday night when we got to the facility where “The walk to Emmaus” was to take place I met so many people who had done the walk before me and all they could say was “it only gets better!” I thought to myself “sure sure there has to be some sort of catch or something”. The events started out normally, I met my roommates and we did introductions. After introductions we went to the chapel and had a service followed by a movie that I cannot for the life of me remember the title but it dealt with the last supper. As soon as the movie ended I felt a “warm and tingly” sensation near my heart. (More on that latter). Next I went to my room and started reading the gospel of Luke in Spanish. I eventually fell asleep but only for a short nap because after what seemed to be an hour I awoke and decided to go for a run and I think it was near 1am but I am not sure. So I went running while talking to God in Spanish silently in my head. We talked about a lot but one of those things was “original sin” something I had struggled to come to terms with. We debated for the duration of my run and even when we had returned to the lodge. I stayed up for what seemed to me as 2-3 reading the word and praying and came to the conclusion that I cannot continue debating God and I fell to my knees and asked for HIS forgiveness and the flame in my heart lit up some more.

Friday came and I awoke before all the pilgrims and we went to breakfast. The hospitality by all the supporting cast, table leaders and assistant table leaders was simply awesome. When I got my food they took my tray and carried it to my table, they did this for every meal all weekend which to me was awkward in the sense that I would rather be the one carrying the food for someone else so this was a different feeling to say the least! So they day began with a pre-meal blessing and a post and that pattern would follow for all meals throughout the weekend. After the meal we went to the conference room to start the first of 15 talks or chats if you will. The topic all weekend for the most part was “Grace”. After every chat we had to do something artistic to demonstrate what we had learned. There were two chats that stuck with me, the first which was titled “Priorities” and another that talked about agape. The priorities one stuck because my table did a skit and for the most part it was funny but it gets you thinking. I played a materialistic teenager who wanted an iphone more than anything in the world. There was only one problem, my priorities which sadly the teen I was portraying did not put God first and that was the lesson of the priorities chat. God must be a priority! The second started to shake the foundation of what I thought was God’s love. The speaker read a letter from an inmate and it said something to the effect that he was praying for us last weekend and that he loved us. I do not know what it was about that message that got me to break down but it did. I thought it was coincidental but after the chat we went and received more agape from people we did not know. The stone wall I thought was God’s love had some large gashes in it because I cried like a baby not knowing who these people were and the fact they told me they loved me in addition to God loving me just blew me away!!

On Saturday I once again was the first up and I did my normal morning ritual which was running and reading the word. The day proceeded similarly to the day before. We had the next five talks and proceeded with our artistic representations of what was said. After the sometime we had the opportunity to go back to our rooms and lone behold more agape but this time it was different, a lot of the letters asked “have you seen Jesus yet?” and I thought “how can you see Jesus in a physical way? This has to be symbolic to some degree right?” So I read all the agape and let those questions stew in my head all day and I tried to see Jesus I even fooled myself into thinking I actually saw HIM but when one of the musicians had asked me I described what I had believed, or so I thought, to be Jesus and he told me “keep looking you will know when you see HIM!” Day turned to night really quick and before I knew it darkness had engulfed the mountain and dinner was being served. After we filled our stomachs we went and sang for about 30 minutes.

Sunday had come really fast and I could hardly believe I only had one day left on the mountain! I thought “this is the peak it cannot get any better!” Boy o boy were the pilgrims and I in for something rather special son Sunday. For the most part the day started as the two prior did. We had chapel every morning and prayed. One of my prayers was I do not want to leave I am at peace on the mountain and would rather not go back to the pain and difficulties life had in store for me. We finished the last five talks and everyone seems to be doing really well! We were told that another chapel service was going to be held so we all gathered in the chapel. This was no ordinary chapel service they got us all pumped up and ready to go, and as soon as everyone had taken their seats they passed out envelopes. It was more agape but this time it was agape from loved one and people you knew. I kid you not it was like running full speed into a brick wall. I balled and balled and balled my eyes out while reading every letter! My heart was overfilled with joy and was feeling God’s love to an unimaginable degree!! I even tried to hide my emotion by putting the shades on but I fooled no one, and I was told it is ok to cry; in fact, it’s a good thing. After the agape the afternoon wrapped up quickly and we had our ceremony where every pilgrim received a cross that had been prayed for all weekend by the community of prayer’s. All this emotion in such a small amount of time I didn’t know how to process it and am still having a bit of a problem but day by day I am getting more of an idea on how to process what I have learned through this experience!

So with all that in mind, how does it change who I am and what I want to do? On Monday I could feel something happening inside of me I did not know what it was but nevertheless it was something! I would not realize until Tuesday what that something was. That something was God trying to talk to me and get my attention. The means he used were my Spanish professors. I received a paper back and was told I totally misinterpreted the meaning of the poem and needed to rewrite my literary analysis. Normally, something like that would not bother me; however, this was the second occurrence in three papers for the same professor in the same semesters despite two different classes with him! The drive home was rather pensive and I was thinking, has there been a good amount of time at George Mason where I have been happy? What do I want to do with a Masters in Spanish? The answer to the first question is, no there has not been an experience where I have been truly happy. I tend to think my learning disability has hindered my ability to excel in the program. With regard to the second question a lot of people have asked me what I want to do with my Spanish and in all honesty I do not know. I know I want to teach and make a difference in someone’s life. The truth of the matter is that originally I wanted to be a special education teacher with a concentration in learning disabilities in K-12. I failed to acquire the score needed for Virginia and got prideful. I said “well I will just do something else”. And so I did but I feel like I made a huge mistake.

Why would I want to be a special education teacher? Well first of all not many people know that I went through the special education system when I was in school so I could be an example to those who are struggling, I can show them they can succeed and that having a learning disability is not a bad thing. I can empathize with them and feel their pain because I have been there and know what they are going through. When I first started school I could not cross my left arm to my right side. I hated all sorts of textures especially plato and potato chips. I could not draw a square, someone could draw one on a piece of paper and I could not emulate that. The teacher would have to take my hand and move it in the shape of a square. I could not grip a pencil and write well. I had reading comprehension problems; in fact, I was several levels behind my class in reading but as soon as I started to understand words my level soared way above my class. In math I was several levels behind my class. The only way I could do basic math was visually with my fingers. When I went to St. Mary’s catholic school as a kindergartner my teachers wanted to hold me back because they thought I was lazy and immature but the fact of the matter was I had a lot of learning disabilities. Needless to say I transferred schools and was enrolled in special education where I had teachers who tailored a program that was for me. Despite all the obstacles, I have overcome all of that and gone on to achieve a Bachelors degree in a foreign language and even start a graduate program in the same foreign language. Another advantage would be I could help Hispanics who have learning disabilities because I can bridge the communication gap and help in that way. I truly believe that God is trying to get me to go in the special education direction because there has to be a reason that I am having so much hardship in my current program and the more I pray about it the more it makes sense to me to go back to JMU and undertake special education! God has opened my heart and it is listening and as much as I want to finish Spanish just for the sake of finishing is not the right way to go because it is all about HIS want and my heart is telling me HE is trying to dissuade me from finishing here. I believe that I have experienced what I have up to this point in my life for a reason and I have learned Spanish for a reason. My heart jumps for joy every time I think about being a special education teacher! That has to mean something so I think I will pursue that path. Some may think this is a dumb move or a lack of faith but honestly there are those I can influence and help more in special education than in Spanish. If I were to teach a class room full of people who want to learn Spanish I would not have the ability to work one on one with students struggling in the same capacity as I would as a special education teacher. The walk to Emmaus has truly opened me up to listen to God and has reignited that fire I once had in my heart and I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to walk!

Thanks for listening

Your servant in Christ,

Ryan